The “Strong Friend” Has the Wrong Friends.
There I was in a cold mot 2.5 star motel room, depressed, scared, anxious and angry. She knew that, he knew that, they all knew this but none of what I was going through mattered because when you’re labeled the “strong friend” like I am your life isn’t accounted for. As the strong friend you are only valued for the words of encouragement, affirmations or listening ear provided. When we dare to let our ungrateful “friends” know that our life matters, too and that we would also like for someone to be there for us when we are down, we’re met with backlash or just ignored. And why wouldn’t we? As the strong friend we exist for one reason. To be there for others. That’s it. Now that you know that you have two choices. Do nothing or do something.
This post is for those who want to change their friendship dynamics because I don’t need to advise you on how to do nothing. I always say I can only speak on what I’ve seen and experienced and since I’ve done both I think I’m qualified to share advice on how “the strong friend” can get rid of the ungrateful demons in their life.
- Set Boundaries. Setting boundaries save lives, especially yours. As the “strong friend” I allowed people who I thought cared about my well-being as much as I cared about theirs take up time and energy looking for me to give them the solutions to all of their problems. You set boundaries by having a conversation with the friend(s) who use you as their human diary.
- Communication: Communication is the key that unlocks many doors. You might walk through some unpleasant doors. You might walk through doors you regret opening and you might walk through doors you’re glad you opened. You’ll never know what’s behind those doors without using the key and the key is communication. Personally speaking, it’s unfortunate when I communicate with a “friend” about my problems and they say “everybody has problems” or “try not to think about it” before trauma dumping all over me expecting me to feed their soul when all they were willing to give me were crumbs. If this has happened to you on a number of occasions like it has for me, here is where setting boundaries and communicating come in if you want things to change.
- Accountability: Understand that not everyone in your life is as selfish as your friends are. You’re not alone. Not everybody is out to use you, just the people you allowed to get away with doing so. A large part of me being able to move forward from these soiled friendships was when I admitted my part in those people thinking it was okay to under-mind my feelings. Zora Neale Hurston once said “if you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say that you enjoyed it.” I think about all of the people who say “I had no idea they were hurting” when someone they know commits suicide. Those are “they” Ms. Hurston is talking about in that situation. Sounds extreme because the people who say that are likely not responsible for the pain the deceased person was enduring, but their refused acknowledgement of the signs shall not go unpunished. If you are silent about you pain or your knee jerk response to being asked “how are you?” is anything like mine or the typical “manly” response “I’m good” when you know you’re not, you can’t get upset at people who truly didn’t know you were in pain because you went about life claiming to be good. Of course everyone would think you’re enjoying it. This isn’t meant to blame you for your pain. No matter how vocal you have or should have been about your pain, it doesn’t give anyone the tight to be inconsiderate of your feelings and hardships. This is to empower you to be the “strong” individual people in your life deemed you to be and speak up for yourself. Remember to move according to how they react to your self advocacy.
- Define Yourself: If you no longer want to be subjugated to the reputation and treatment of the “strong friend” you must remove that title. Mable “Madea” Simmons once said “it ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to…” If you keep answering the call then you’ll never escape that title, so if you want to escape that title, stop answering the call. You can still be a good friend who listens and gives advice/help without being used and disregarded. You can be the “asshole” who puts themself first. You deserve. Whatever you do just remember to set boundaries, be vocal and be honest (accountable) and will weed out the wrong friends.
My latest book “Late Nights on Broadway” https://www.amazon.com/Late-Nights-Broadway-Ernest-Sandefer-ebook/dp/B08QDVN1SF/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=late+nights+on+broadway&qid=1619087498&sr=8-2#detailBullets_feature_div
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