Good Guys Like Sex, Too.
I tend to run into this problem a lot. By a lot I mean more often than wanted and this is not a problem that I want to have at all. I also want to mention that this whole “good guy” title given to me has harmed me more than it should in regards to romantic relationships. How so? When I was younger I let that title get to my head. Swearing I was God’s gift to women because of all the praise I got for simply being a decent human being. It’s not that I don’t see myself as a good guy, just rather fraise it as a good person. Someone who is respectful to everyone whether I want to date them or not. The problem is there are people out there who think the word “good” is synonymous with “weak,” “pushover,” “passive” and “undesirable.”
“Weak,” “Pushover,” “Passive.”
When you’re considered a “nice guy” or “nice girl” people tend to associate these words with you before getting to know you. Then they make assumptions they believe are correct about you. I can’t speak for all us “good guys” but when I was stereotyped with these words it was mostly by women who wanted me. There were times when these words, I did not use to describe myself, resulted in me being turned down by women who wanted a man who was the antithesis. Those aren’t the times that bother me. Those aren’t the times I’m recounting in this piece. If not clear already, I’m talking about the times the “good guy” stigma and the hackneyed words associated with it proved to be a double-edged sword.
“How is it a bad thing that women wanted you and considered you a good guy?” Intent. Intent is everything. Do everything with Intention, right? It’s not a bad thing that these women considered me one of the good guys. It’s their intent and their mindset. Mindset is also everything. A lot of these women came in with the mindset that I was this weak, passive, pushover they could step on, step over and string along. That I wouldn’t put up a fight whenever I felt like boundaries were being crossed. They believed all “good guys” were obedient men. That I’d not only do what they’d say, but not question them on anything, which meant they could step outside of the relationship all they want and I’d just be at home laying in bed looking up at the sealing waiting for them to text and call me so I can waste my time doing what they wanted to do. Men do this to women they deem the “good girl.” They believe they can go out and do whatever they want while the woman stays at home waiting for their turn to get the dirty D. If the woman just happens to laugh at another man’s joke or “like” another man’s picture she is no longer a “good girl.” She’s a no good hoe. The mindset of those who stereotype good people isn’t one rooted in good intentions. The intent is not to find someone worthy to have a healthy relationship with, it’s to use somebody. To play games without getting played. Also to have somebody to fall back on when ish hits the fan with “the others” or when they are tired of being played by others “playing the game.” #StayWoke.
“Undesirable.”
“How can that be when you are wanted by women?” When I say undesirable I don’t mean literally. Once again, mindset is everything. Clearly the women who had this toxic mindset on “good guys” wanted me, just not for reasons why anyone should be desired. If they weren’t labeling me a pushover they were labeling me undesirable because to them “good men don’t have sex.” No sex = no cheating. No Cheating = a happier more secure them. This stems from the mindset that “good guys” are satisfied with not having sex because they’re lonely and undesirable. We’ll accept whatever we get because we don’t know if or when we’ll get some attention from the opposite sex ever again, -_-. The other half is women being egotistical, self righteous and dumb. “I’m doing this man a favor by showing interest in him because I’m a woman and I know what women want and women don’t desire good guys.” Crazy, right? Imagine being on the receiving end of these ignorant mindsets.
What I really want to focus on is this “No sex = no cheating. No Cheating = a happier more secure them.” Equating sex with infidelity is flat out stupid. Especially when there are men out there who are capable and willing to have sex with the one person they are in a relationship with. Just because you haven’t met one yet doesn’t mean they don’t exist. There are also women who’ve been hurt in the past “giving it” to the wrong men, so much so it’s like they’ve unofficially sworn off sex. When they meet a man they deem worthy of their heart they think that not “giving it up” is what’s going to keep him, and they think he’ll stay because “good guys don’t have sex.”
That Thing.
Here’s the thing, ladies. It’s unfortunate that you dealt with some guys who were only about “that thing.” That still didn’t stop Lauryn Hill from having 4 kids. Are you saying you’re wiser than Ms. Lauryn Hill? Are you saying you’re a better decision maker than Ms. Lauryn Hill? I’m just yanking your chain. Whatever decision you chose, you owe happiness to yourself and yourself only. Don’t take this as me saying you have to “give that thing up” to any man who desires it, but in the same light you cannot force a man to not want to be sexually active with you, especially if he is sexually attracted to you, because you’re afraid of what might happen after he gets “that thing.” To expect me to not want to have sex with someone I’m both physically and emotionally attracted to is a tall order, my 5 foot something frame will not leap to fulfill. THIS is why I don’t want to be labeled the “good guy” because of the unrealistic assumptions and expectations that come from broken women looking for a fix. It’s not that I don’t see myself as a good person, I just don’t define good people the same way they do. Good people are respectful, kind, caring and all other things associated with being nice. That’s how I define it. Nowhere in my definition does it mention no sexual contact or not being confrontational when times call for it.
Knowing myself, if I were to settle for a relationship with anyone who was “kind enough” to give me, a “good boy” a chance and I weren’t having sex with them, I’d be miserable. Miserable because I wouldn’t be getting something that I want. If I’m not getting “that thing” from my lover, I’m going to get it from another.
So to save myself the guilt and self-loathing of cheating and to save someone from the heartache of getting cheated on, I’m not going to get involved with somebody who thinks I’m a good guy.
